Panacea

Universe Science Fiction – May 1954

(1954)*

Dean A. Grennell

illustrated by Lawrence

              Thaddeus Q. Pangbourne decided to let the natives of Venus have the benefit of his Peerless Patent Panacea; but a patent medicine made with Venusian ingredients might possibly have unexpected results. It did; in fact, it put a definite strain on the diplomatic relations of Earth and Venus.

              "And so I bring you, ladies and gentlemen, the priceless boon of everlasting health. I bring you freedom from disease—relief from all the plagues and megrims which harass a tortured mankind. I bring you Doctor Pangbourne's Peerless Patent Panacea!

              "This matchless blessing for the sufferer is the ultimate result of a lifetime of research. It combines hitherto unknown secrets of the physicians of Ancient Egypt with the newest medical discoveries of today and the day after tomorrow!

              "It is a life-giving tonic, containing a superabundance of all the vitamins and minerals needed for the glowing euphoria of perfect health. Take it regularly and the Grim Reaper will blunt his scythe upon you in vain!

              "Now the regular price of Doctor Pangbourne's Peerless Patent Panacea is a paltry five dollars for the giant family size—less than the cost of a single wreath of flowers to lay upon the bier of some poor soul who never learned of its incr-r-redible benefits! Five insignificant dollars for blessed relief from any disease or disorder—any one of them!

              "I want to introduce this unique compound to you. I want you to learn of its wonderful properties first-hand. To do this, I shall give—yes, I shall 'give'—a full, giant, family-size bottle to each person who offers me a single dollar in the next thirty seconds! My assistant will now pass among you ..."

              The few curious ones who had stopped to hear this harangue shuffled their feet and moved on, finding a sudden fascination in the carnival attraction next to the old bus. This exhibit featured Ophidia, The Snake-Girl ("She swallows a life snake before your very eyes!"

              Mrs. Pangbourne blew a vagrant lock of grey hair out of her eyes and watched their retreat without expression. Wearily, she turned back toward the bus with her arms full of bottles. She noted with mild interest that a young man had engaged Dr. Pangbourne in conversation. Apparently, though, he wasn't looking for everlasting health so she replaced her bottles on their rack and returned to her campstool and the sock she was knitting.

              Doctor Thaddeus Quincy Pangbourne (Ph. D.) had no delusions about the prospects of selling tonic to his visitor. It wasn't that the man—who had introduced himself as Esal Scurpp—didn't look as though he needed a tonic. Somehow he just didn't have the appearance of a man who worries about his health. That pasty complexion, now ...

              Pangbourne found his manner of approach a bit jarring, too.

              "Business is lousy in the patent-medicine line, ain't it, Doc?"

              The Doctor's goatee jutted indignantly.

              "I fail to see where that is any of your affair!" he replied with some asperity.

              "Ahh, come off it, Doc!" Scurpp was scornful. "I been watching your pitch for quite a while and you ain't sold three bottles all afternoon. Socialized medicine has plumb ruined your racket."

              Thaddeus groped for a crushing retort.

              "I still don't see why that should tear your heart out." His voice lent an odd note of mild savagery to the reply.

              "Oh, but it does, Doc—" There was no discouraging this fellow. "You see, I got the very thing you need to clean up with."

              "I'm afraid we're well supplied with brooms and brushes."

              "You just ain't reading me, Doc. What you need is to get to fresh territory. New worlds to conquer, that's what you need."

              Thaddeus was one of those who find it hard to be rude to people, no matter how they deserve rudeness.

              "Did you have such a world in mind?" he asked, reaching for sarcasm.

              "Sure," said the oily one. "Venus, that's where. I just came from there and it's a natural for a guy like you. The gooks are sick all the time and they'll buy anything."

              "It appears to me there's a slight hitch." Thad felt a vague stir of interest in spite of himself. "We are, at present, on Earth and the fare to take us to Venus is more than I care to think about."

              "I know the rates are steep. But did you ever think of 'having a spaceship all your own? Then you could pack up and hop from town to town. Why, you could even make a run back to Earth for a fresh batch of snake-oil."

              Pangbourne bristled. "Young man, I'll thank you to remember that it is not 'snake-oil' but, rather, a carefully compounded mixture of ..."

              "Yeah, yeah—I heard the spiel you were giving the suckers. Skip that—you're missing the main idea."

              "I'm afraid I can't even see the main idea! Where in Blue Tunket would a man like me get the price of a space-ship? I'm compelled to admit that I don't even have the price of enough fuel to take a liner from here to Venus."

              "That's the point, Doc—that's the point! I ain't talking about no liner. There's a lot of space-yachts and such .that the rich guys buy to go cutting around in and then sell for a song after a season or so. If you ain't got a brand-new 2078 job, you just don't rate in those circles."

              "And by some happy chance, you just happen to have such a vessel for sale at a mere pittance, I suppose?"

              "How on earth did you manage to guess that, Doc? You must be physic!" Scurpp must have read the expression somewhere, for he gave it just that pronunciation—physic.

              There was an elfin twinkle in Thad's eye as he turned and spoke over his shoulder.

              "The man wants to sell us a space-ship, Mother."

              Like many people who marry late in life and remain childless, it pleased them to use the titles of parenthood.

              Imperturbable was the word for Elvira Pangbourne. She didn't miss a stitch.

              "Yes, Pa," she said, "I heard; but where would we get the money?"

              Thaddeus turned back to Scurpp with an inquiring glance.

              "Maybe he could answer that."

              Esal got briskly down to business.

              "About how much do you think you'd be able to raise?"

              Thad thought bleakly about their tiny hoard laid away for a "rainy day." Stalling for time, he asked if he was supposed to buy a pig in a poke. Where was this so-wonderful space yacht?

              "I got a ground-car over here at the lot. I was hoping you'd like to come out and take a look at it."

              They rode out to the rocket port and Scurpp drove the little three-wheeled runabout up the ramp to the ship. Elvira sat in the rear seat, having laid her knitting aside with the air of one who expects to return shortly.

              The ship stood there, tall, slim and sleekly beautiful in the gathering dusk. This was no weary old freighter, with blast-pocked tubes and loose connections in the instrument panels. It was of recent vintage and superbly maintained. Thad ran his hand over the smooth fin and kicked the grounding cushions in what he hoped was a profound and judicious manner. It was the first time he'd ever seen a space-ship close up but he didn't want to betray his ignorance.

              "Beautiful, ain't she?" Scurpp volunteered proudly. "She sleeps four and a crew of two."

              "That's another thing that occurs to me," objected Thad. "Neither of us has any experience in piloting anything bigger than the old bus. And heaven knows, we can't afford to hire a crew to run it for us."

              By the way of answer, Scurpp led them up the telescoping ramp into a surprisingly roomy lounge. He handed Thad a thick book entitled "Pilot's. Manual for the 2075 Bergstrom Space-Rover" and indicated several books on Astrogation, Maintenance and Space Regulations.

              "Confidentially," he said, "they carry the crew along to do the dirty work—cooking, making beds and such. That's what the playboys get their biggest charge out of—making like a pilot."

              "You mean I could skim through this book and learn enough about running the thing to be able to get around?"

              Esal assured him that he could. He showed Thad how to look up a pre-plotted course in the Ephemeris and punch it into the automatic pilot for a pre-set time when the relays would be activated by a broadcast signal from the Government Observatory. He explained how it would hold to the course and compensate for minor variations by taking radio fixes as the voyage progressed. It even had HDA which he translated as "Hazard Detection and Avoidance". It could be set to give a signal and relinquish control at any previously determined altitude over the destination. By switching it off, manual control could be assumed at any time.

              "An eight-year-old," he stoutly maintained, "could take this job to Pluto and bring her back."

              Thad wondered what kind of parents would let their children go gadding off to the ends of the system on solo flights but he didn't choose to make an issue of it. Instead, he wondered aloud.

              "But what about fuel? Isn't that expensive?"

              "Not anymore. The drive on this ship uses the new synthetized fuels and the tanks hold enough for a dozen round trips." He peered at a gauge. "They're nearly full right now."

              Thad was impressed. He turned to Elvira, for such an important decision was not his alone to make.

              "Well, Mother?"

              "I still haven't heard the gentleman mention a price. It seems to me that he'd want a lot more than we could afford to give him." And then she added, wistfully, "But it would be nice to see another world while we can still see it together."

              "Well, old boy," Thad thought to himself, "here goes the ball-game!"

              "The very most we could possibly dig up would be about twelve hundred dollars." Thad expected anything but the man's ready agreement.

              "If it weren't for the fact that my poor old Mother is bad sick and I need the dough to rush to her bedside I'd laugh in your face. As it is, I'll take twelve C's and the old bus 'cause I ain't got time to look for a better offer. You're getting a steal, brother!"

              The Pangbournes expressed sympathy for the ailing lady and Thad insisted on giving the man a couple bottles of his remedy for Mrs. Scurpp to try, pointing out that you never could tell.

              It didn't seem long at all before the transaction was completed and 'Iliad and Elvira stood on the ramp and watched the venerable old bus wheeze down the road. Esal looked out of the driver's window and waved in farewell as the bus rounded a row of maintenance sheds and vanished.

              "Well, I surely hope his Mother gets better," Elvira said.

              They climbed up into the unfamiliar luxury of their new home and set to work putting the hastily-loaded things away. Thad stacked the cases of concentrate away in the luggage lockers. There was enough to make up several hundred bottles and he was glad he'd laid in a fresh supply only recently.

              When their gear had been stowed away Thad settled down on a reclining chair with a cigar from the Captain's locker and an arm-load of books.

              It was nearly mid-night when he looked up from his concentration to where Elvira sat, her tireless needles clicking rhythmically.

              "Well Mother," he said, calm assurance and no small amount of pride in his voice, "I think I can make her go."

              Elvira looked up. "Yes, Pa?"

              "I feel sure of it and I know of one way to find out. Right now."

              "But it's night, Pa. Why not wait until daylight?"

              "What difference does it make? It will be daylight soon after we take off and the automatic pilot doesn't need light to find its way around."

              Elvira objected mildly. It felt so nice to sit quietly enjoying the soft chair, the panelled walls, the pretty carpeting and the bright, but gentle lighting. Thad overcame her protests by pointing out that she would have plenty of time for that after they were underway. Finally she agreed and he managed to look up the settings and punch them in with time enough to catch the second quarter-hourly signal after the decision had been made.

              They relaxed on the deep hydraulic cushions of the bunks as the ship lifted skyward, its takeoff unexpectedly quiet in the thickly-insulated cabin. The acceleration of two gravities wasn't too bad lying down. Elvira even drifted off to sleep after a while. But before this, her voice had made a disquieting speculation.

              "Thaddeus, I can't help but wonder ..."

              "Yes, Mother?"

              "If the young man wanted to get home so quickly, why didn't he take this ship?"

              Thaddeus assured her that it was probably because of the difficulty of making point-to-point hops on a planet with a ship designed for longer trips. But he lay there for a long time after Elvira's faint, musical snores proclaimed her slumber.

              For the manual had stressed the maneuverability of this particular model for sight-seeing after arrival.

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